PandeMonium

2005-09-01T12:33:00.000-07:00

it's 3am.eating cold left over fried chicken. messenger not working. and a friendster. hmm..life.

will see paul tomorrow. need beer.asap or i'll go crazy. andre cant join until saturday.maybe we'll extend it. then i have to work afterwards. shit.

been smoking a lot. addicted to hot water. think i'll have ulcer.

same old same old

2005-08-28T16:11:00.000-07:00

we went to work last night thinking that it's just gonna be one of those days that you'll waste another 8hours of your life talking to faceless people only to find out that they changed our coach coz well, we are not performing. so we switched coaches but i'm ok with, i dont miss my previous coach a lot coz we still gp put , we still ask for her assistance and we are just sitting one pod from her. she's going to take driving lessons. im done with my shift for today, another one later, hopefully by next month we'll switch schedules so that we only have to work 4 days but 10 hours instead of the usual 5x8 schedule. we switched QA, and we dont know him yet, he's new so we will probably hate him,, but who knows. my coach is a 6'2-3", she's the tallest in the office,no American consultant can beat that. promise. yyou really dont want to scare her, coz, well, im just 5'3", try to picture it. i will not go home this thursday coz i'l go out with some friends, if we can work out the sched. cha is leaving, and i need to ride an airplane to reach her. been calling a lot of people, coz,well, no one's calling, and few are just texting me. im just eminding them that i'm still here on earth. no messages in friendster anymore too..what the hell happened to my circle?!
will go and have breakfast in Aling Mameng later w/ coach. read:more caffeine, more eyebags, and more nicotine-filed sticks. then after that, i'll sleep then wake up and do the same thing tomorrow. that's how exciting my life is. care to swap?
thinking of going overseas, been offered by my mom once, and, i'm thinking wha will i lose?no one will miss me here, at least give them some reason to miss me.
no money in the ATM yet, 2more days, then i'm alive again.
hopingg that loleng will make it this friday, need to do some boyhunting, even if my gay friends hook up w/ more guys than i do.

thinking of switching phones since im not using it much, only the gallery, that has the same pictures.
my sister is seeing her ex-boyfriend, who happened to be her first boyfriend also, to make it worst, he just got married, life, what can i say?

really want to learn spanish,coz i really feel bad if no spanish agent is available and they've been on hold for a while,sometimes for hours just because they cant speak english.
realy funny talking to filipinos. it makes it worth while,even for a few minutes to have after some irate customers shout at you.

=-=-=-=-=-still havent gone to the doctor yet, dont want to know the result=-=-=-

can never see the light

2005-08-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

who are you?
i am sure you are not me
i cannot smoke 5 sticks of cigarettes on one sitting
i am not you

who are you who cant even define happiness
i am sure you are not me

who are you who desperately need to be needed

who are you who cant even find their friends

who are you who blanky stares at the wall for hours

who are you who cant even cry when you know you are hurting

i am not you

i will never be like you

i refused to be like you

f**k where's my stick?

2005-08-21T16:39:00.000-07:00

in a week i may have cancer,
in two weeks, i may lose my job
in a month i might get a guy
but only thing is certain

i am going nowhere

god i need a drink.

MY RESOLUTION

2005-08-18T08:24:00.000-07:00

*** eighteen sticks of cigarettes, more than a dozen cup of coffee , and two movies afterward ..i realize, it's too early for a mid life crisis! and so i stood up, and realized, i just passed my quarter life crisis. yeah i know, shallow ayt?

things happened (and keeps on happening):
** miss my circle, i mean, it's really depressing.
** on the verge of losing my job, and the funny thing is that at this moment, i dont really care that much about it. i mean i like what i am doing, it has it's moments that i just want to throw the headset to the customer (and to my teammates), hsouit from frustration, bad QA's and long AHT but the price for a good call and a good customer almost makes me thinks that i am doing sommething.
** i live by either frapuccino or frost.
** had a professional gap with me and my coach coaz i got a bad average and it's kinda disppointing for both of us. to make things worse we are friends, we are really close coz we are the most outgoing in the team, we have breakfast, we shop. we smoke and we have coffee together.
** my FRIEND called last week or sometime ago after he read my blog, well, you know, friends talk. i do miss you though.
** i would like to be needed.
** losing weight, losing sleep, losing hair, losing my boobs.
** someone texted me and he said he's a friend of my friend w/c i verified w/ my friend and well, it's corny, is lang ang gusto kong corny at hindi textmate yun.
** went to quiapo yesterday, bought this big squared black glasses.
** wore a crown last night the whole shift. dressdown/costume night, im a bohemian princess. ewwwww....
** i dont like most of my teammates at times, but only at times,
* been awake for 48 hours now. watched bewitched and charlie and the chocolate factory
*********picking up the pieces. I AM LIVING. I WILL CONTINUE TO LIVE. BECAUSE I CHOSE TO. FOR MYSELF. (AND HOPEFULLY FOR SOMEONE, BUT HECK, WE CANT HAVE EVERYTHING WE WANT)

2005-08-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

works sucks.... haaaay... my QA sucks bigtime.

supremely depressed

mid life crisis

2005-08-13T01:37:00.000-07:00

so this must be loneliness.
some friends are gonna move away, to build a life for their family, i was speechless. and tried to find reason to this illogical idea of going to the province, leave a decent job, leave the malls, and their careers behind. they only answered one word. family. they are gonna build a family. and i was like, "why now?" "why do you have to go that far?". we all know it's practical. they dont want to raise their child in the city. point taken. and maybe i thought maybe this is just another episode of my separation anxiety. and so i kissed them goodbye and tried to arrange some get together before they go.

and so i do what i do best when im depressed. i shopped for books and did my grocery.

and while i was on the jeepney,i saw this couple, the guy is not from here from the color of his hair, thegirl is obviously a native. im not being judgmental or anything but you know what i mean.

and so i went home and ride the pedicab the driver has his wife and daughter w/ him.

and then i realized, it's not separation anxiety, it's envy. i am envious. they made it work. maybe i am utraged at this point coz im gonna lose a friend. but i know and i understand, maybe in the past i will definitely squirm at the thought of compromise. but i realized,
i will do the same thing. i will leave my career, i will leave the city. who needs the population and traffice anyway. i will move even in the farthest land, eat vegetables, learn to cook,and go out of my way, because i know i will not regret a thing. because i know i am happy. one word and i know i will pack my bags and go to a place where no one knows my name, just to be with someone i wanna be with.

i am not saying i am moving anytime soon. it's just that i realized that maybe i should start being honest w/ myself. yea, i do envy them, coz they are happy, they dont care about anything else. they have priorities. they found love.

2005-08-08T16:55:00.000-07:00

Turn Down The Light
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close
Don't patronise
Don't patronise

'Cause i can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something that it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And i feel the power
But you won't, no you won't

'Cause i can't make you love me if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then i won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Mornin' will come and i'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And i will give up this fight

'Cause i can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something that it won't
Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart
And i feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause i can't make you love me if you don't

2005-08-07T15:49:00.000-07:00

**** just to set things straight, i have a point. i know i have one, because i dont like what it feels, because i know it's right, but then again, i would like to see the logic of this all,
it's like, "who are you speaking with?", and i will answer that with a shrugged, then tehre's the never ending follow up question, "boyfriend?" , and i will just stare at her blankly. "friend?", shrugged.
and then if i'm really speaking w/ a rumormongrer, (flies, flies), they will ask, " so how long have you known each other?" err.. a year maybe?, "san sya?" kabilang ibayo."ahh,pero magkakilala kayo?" huh?, "nagkita na kayo?", errr.... yes?

so i'm stupid. i'm a liar, well, it's not really a lie coz i did see you, webcam is counted right? fine. i know that's not the point. the point is, it's hard to describe something that you know the person you're talkng with will not understand, for course, by description yes, but the distance, i mean, "uuy, umuulan,ganda noh?" i mean how stupid, or "ganda nung fireworks" and oo parang nakita ko e. diba ang stupid? sabihin mo hindi.

but the real point is wala naman palang closure, kasi wla nmang opening.

i guess i need to have one regret, i mean, evryone has.it's like what's my biggest regret? not having one.

2005-08-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking, i've been selling myself short (uuy!! may value?!?)

when did life become so empty,, feel so lonely?

maybe it started when i accepted the fact that you were not really with me, that all this time i've been fighting this fight alone, that even from the start you were never really mine, and never will be.
and i realized what a liar you are. i warned from the start, i dont want to take that jump, but you said you had special powers, that if ever i will fall, you will catch me, you said you will, but you never did.
i'm, not really blaming you for this, i am blaming myself, coz i ate what i said, i told you there's nothing, no expectation, no hope, nothing but a roller coaster ride, but i got the feel of it, and i thought you are feeling, not the same, but even just a bit of i dont know, but then i was wrong, that's imposibble, and even stupid, but i hoped, too bad i did.

so when did i realize this? i guess, on the days when it was raining and everyone has someone waiting outside the office and i rode the taxi alone, or maybe when someone asked me how did we meet, and i couldnt answer, or maybe when paul asked what am i to you, and i stopped, i am nothing, a non existent acquaintance, cannot even qualified as friends, so i would like to apologize for all of the inconvinience, and i guess, this is goodbye now.

it's nice that somehow, i felt something beyond numbness.

or maybe i am just bored.

or maybe i just need to get laid.

****i am closing this chapter of my life and i would like to start anew. i wil start anew. i will, aftr i finished this coffee.

friends (asian thingy)

2005-08-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

so paul said that i've been hanging around a lot in starbucks,although we dont call it starbucks, it's "ALING MAMENG". basically because people look at us when we are talking and agreeing to have breakfast,meaning coffee, there and also we've been hanging around there evry after shift taht some of my teammates think that we are using it as our everyday carinderia, carinderia ni aling mameng. aheheheh... oh well, i've been smoking again, no alcohol this time, just caffeine overload. need to pass my medical exam this month. fu*k.

so, i always start my paragraph with so, and start my sentence w/ because. aheheh.. yeah, i hate grammar, too bad i studied it for 4 years.

so i did something stupid, andre will probably laugh his pretty tight ass off if he will read this, the worst thing i'll receive is a smirk. there's this commercial on tv. and we all know asianovelas are such a hit nowadays,for some weird reason, and i was watching eat bulaga and having my lunch at 3pm when suddenly a commercial caught my eye. aheheh, it's the japanese/korean thing,you know the culture thing where the guy went back for military, and tehy dont speak the same language, they dont eat the same food, and it's sooo freaking familiar, i lost my apetite for my first lunch in three days, thank god no one saw me, because my two roomates, who i rarely see these days are in the office, so i did something stupid. something spontaneous. something corny.

i called his number, you know, just to check if it will ring, the freaking thing did.

and someone w/ a korean accent answered.

and i was like..... (yeah i stopped breathing for like 3.5 seconds.)

the guy said hello three times before i answered.

guy:"Hello?" (w/ thick korean accent)
me: "AHh....."
guy: "who this?"
me: "uhmm. is this min chul's number?"
guy: yeah..
me: OH..may i ask whom im speaking with?
guy:"i'm min chul's father."
me: (NO WAY.) [stupid.stupid.stupid idea]
me: " ahh..i'm his calssmate. may i ask hmm, where's minchul?"
guy: "in korea"
me:"oh"
guy:"i'm in baras, in cavite"
me:"ahh."
guy: ...
me: do u know when he's going back"
guy: i'm in our house in cavite.in baras. you know?

[so, this is when the language barrier got teh best of teh situation]

me: oh, ok, thanks then, just tell him his classmate called.
guy: ok. thank you for calling me

[what?!>!]

buried my head in the pillows.

stupid idea.
very.very stupid.

.. well, i told myself i will not feel stupid, although the act is a little stupid, at least i gave it a try. hah! who is afraid of takign risks?!?!

so i ended up watching a japanese girl w/ a broken english and this korean freaking asshole do their star-crossed-lovers thingy, then i felt stupid. ambisyosa ko talaga

******************************

so i realized, i've been fooling myself, well, i know i am, it's just that i didnt realize it until Paul pointed it out, i've been saying that it's nothing, that i dont expect anything,
too bad i'm such in denial that it caught me off guard when it hit me.

i hoped.

been hoping.

and i didnt even notice.

so i decided, why will iu hurt myself, i am nothing, i am just the back up file, the proxy, the consolation price, adn i realized, tanga ko pala.

bat ba ko umasa?

wala na kasi sila nadre and paul to drag me back to reality.

siguro nga tanga ko, di naman ako espesyal, kung umasta daw ako feeling ko espesyal ako.

and i relaize, maybe it's time to face the truth.

in those days that i told you that i dont care, that you are crazy when you thought that i wont be affected.pasensya ka. in those days that i've been telling you to keep it real, the more i push myself away from it, the more i hope, to teh point, that it's too much.

i didnt expect that it will affect me this much. pero sabi nga nila, imposible naman. di pa nga ako sigurado kung ako ba, o hindi naman pala,

so i decided, tama na nga. ayoko na. naghahabol ba ko?

ta*g Ina.. gusto kongmag yosi.

2005-08-01T15:45:00.000-07:00

sinumpa ang pod ko.
sinumpa ang gabi na to
salabahe lahat.salbahe sila.

mga panget!!!
di naman marunong magbasa ng bill
pirma ng pirma di muna basahin!
makarinig lang ng free akala na lahat libre!

aarrggghhh.....

2005-08-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

so everyone think's i'm just being a brat.
so i'm on a suicide mission. who cares?
dont pretend that you care coz obviously you're not.

fu**ing S**t.i hate this

2005-07-31T05:38:00.000-07:00

so i'm thinking what i'm doing here. i do miss my friends terribly, i do have friends here, but tehy are different, they are not cha, they are not diwa, i cannot find any andre or paul here.

i went out w/ paul last friday, and we watched one of the most depressing movie ever. i hate it. i'm not sure if i'm just depressed on that moment or the movie itself is depressing. so paul and i tried some pop psychology aka we are trying to figure out ourselves. that leads to more depressing thoughts that thanks to paul nicholls and his freaking british accent, made me wanna cry or slap someone.

i mean i think it's really depressing when you can't answer a yes or no question over some little facts of life like are you happy? or define some terms outside the book like some sappy question about souls and love and whatever.

i hate it when i'm hurting. because i am hurting and i hate myself for hurting.and the tendency is to hate the person who hurt you and especially when that person doesnt know he/she's hurting you, and you hate yourself more coz you yourself doesnt know why you are hurting, you just know that you do.

back in here

2005-07-29T01:58:00.000-07:00

so i'm here at nitz, waitng for paul, i was late,and he's still not here, an hour late as usual.

didnt go to bulacan this week.

been hanging around starbucks quite a lot. frap is in my bloodstreams..

need to pass my medicals or else...

arrgghhh....

my team is as weird as before, but i'll survive.

we watched "wedding crashers" yestrday in glorieta, feel good movie so as usual nothing to expect. oh well, been using my debit card a lot, aheheh/// broke again.

2005-07-22T06:35:00.000-07:00

work's not as great as before

life is still as uneventful as before

will have a conference w/ the circle of truth.

never like to quit, but i know when to walk away

2005-07-14T08:18:00.000-07:00

so it's my off, finally. not going good on the first week. i feel bad coz we believed the rumors about our coach during buddy pod, we call her P(F)ia, coz she always give Fs, sigh**, but i like her now, she's soo nice.

so i'm here in bulacan, it's my off til saturday morning, and as i was browsing the net, i saw something that i know i will see but i hope i didn't. weird? well, i know it's there, it's like women who knows that their partner is cheating, and they don't do anything about it?and when they caught them, they wished they never did?

but it's more like a little bruise that you thought will never hurt, but then when you wqash it with water, it's stings.

bakit ang corny ko? kasi nabubuwisit ako, kasi naiinis ako, kasi ang panget, kasi ang corny, kasi akala ko iba, ... hindi pala.

i never thought it will sting...this much.

=======giving up the fight=======

team Sacramento

2005-07-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

graduated fom training.

so my sched will be 9m-6am, thurs&friday nigh off. hoping that it will stay like that until september. will get my new ID lace later.

got a PAW pin, it's when you get straight A's for a week from QA.

pero deadma lang..

thinking...

still thinking..

timed out..

2005-07-07T14:59:00.000-07:00

basta ako depressed.

so everyone knows i'm scared of clowns. thanks to ronald mcdonald.

2005-07-04T04:22:00.000-07:00

...........thoughts? none at the moment....
....may sasabihin me kanina but i forgot what it is about..

ah..i remember! bowling last night, so yeah, as usual, i'm the worst player, i can't even feel my right arm on the third game, the weird thing is that the first game is my best game, then, let me just say that i'm a walking downgrade. life.. sigh*.

movers

2005-06-30T15:01:00.000-07:00

so yeah, i have my own bed now. finally, after 2o years, yeah, i know, sucks ayt? always have to share a room w/ my sister, but i love her, so it's ok, she won't let me starve to death, no more double decks this time. bwahahaha..finally freedom. still feel weord seeing the ceiling when lying. oh well, the place is ok, nothing special, i was soooo tired last weekend, i didnt hear three people who went to my room to wake me up, didnt hear 3 missed calls, that i've been waiting for, since forever, only to miss it, haaaaay..life, what can i say.

i'll be a ninang again this sunday, then we'll play bowling, and try iceskating sunday night. i'll be w/ my friends at work, most of them resigned but we'll contact them.

someone's .. u know.. someone..older, nice, but it's too complicated for me. haaay...still single... for sure, by choice.,

happpppyyyy berthdey 'pay!!! whta's whith chinese? spanish? filipino? and english? walking dictionary?

got my first marriage proposal over the phone. hilarious.

friends and secret marriages

2005-06-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

forgive my shallow understanding on matrimony, i have nothing against it, as long as it's not me, however i still don't get it.
so maybe that's why i'm still wondering why my friends from highschool got married, correction, SECRETLY GOT MARRIED last summer. of course i need to ask the first thing that came to my mind, "Is she pregnant?"the answer is "No". Second, "is one of them dying", the answer is still "no". third is, "do they have problems w/ their parents?are they trying to separate them?", the answer is still "no". and so i wonder, what could be the reason?
that's wh i al,ost had a heart attack when i visited Paul (at 7am, sorry gurl)and he told me that Diwa & Ralph tied the knot, secretly too. it turned out to be a bad joke, Diwa's just kiddin Ros. so Sigh"" thank God.

2005-06-19T01:16:00.000-07:00

~*~Result nr 1~*~

src="http://live.quizilla.com/user_images/P/PainfulBliss/1117239037_Power_Clairvoyance.JPG">
Your power is: Clairvoyance

Explanation: Your power is that you can
look into the future and see what is coming.
How far and long you can look is all depending
on your skill level. This can, as all powers,
be used in both evil and good. Even if it may
seem like a boring ability it is a huge
responsibility for the carrier, becase they are
constantly tempted with doing the wrongs deeds
(e.g. cheat on a test). It takes high morals to
not be brought down with it.

Therefor you fit with this power quite well.
You take responsibility and do what is the
right thing to do. This does not make you a
saint, since you're only human after all. But
it makes a trustworthy person and you are loyal
to camrades and/or team mates. In school you
were probably a good student. If you were
social varies from person to person, but most
clairvoyant people tend to prefer their own
company or that of close friends and family.
That is because you are wise and knows how to
treasure the reliable in your life, since you
know popularity can be a false element. You are
also not that big on taking risks and prefer
what is already explored. That is because you
don't like suprises, they can turn out bad and
then you won't be in control.
Negative aspects: Since you're always
doing the right thing and being trustworthy all
the time you can become frustrated. Also, all
that you carry on your shoulders may stress you
out. You need to relax to be in good mental
shape.

What Power is Compatible With You?
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-06-19T01:08:00.000-07:00

Your wise quote is: "Our greatest glory is not
in never falling, but in rising everytime we
fall" by Confucius.
Yes indeed, you see true strenght can only be
seen when a person has "fallen". Only
then one can tell how they will handle it. Just
don't make others fall so you can know who they
really are. You on the other hand may be a very
quick recoverer and don't let people bring you
down. You are your own, and you're find with
that. Emotional issues is something you handle
rather nicely.

What wise quote fits you?(pics) UPDATED
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-06-19T01:07:00.000-07:00

You are an
assassin.
That means you are a proffessional and do your
job without mixing any emotions in it. In your
life you have probably been hurt many times and
have gotten some mental scars. This results in
you being distant from people. Though many
think that you are evil, you are not. What you
really are is a person, trying to forget your
pain and past. You are the person who never
seems to care and that is why being an assassin
fits you good. Atleast, that's what people
think. Even if you don't care that much for
your victims, you still have the ability to
care and to generally feel. It is not lost,
just a little forgotten. In crowds you tend to
not get to noticed, and dress in black or other
discrete colours. You don't being in the
spotlight and wish people would just leave you
alone. But once you do get close to someone you
have a hard time letting go and get real down
if you loose him/her.

Main weapon: Sniper
Quote: "The walls we build around
us to keep out the sadness also keep out the
joy" -Jim Rohn
Facial expression: Narrowed eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-06-19T01:04:00.000-07:00

You like the sweet, shy type.

What kind of guy are you most attracted to? (CUTE anime pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

2005-06-19T00:54:00.000-07:00

You are torn between the paths of dark and light.
You possess qualities of both a pure wiccan and
a dark witch, and only you can choose which one
you will truly be. Remember, magic is a power
by which you will receive back times three -
choose carefully!

Buffy Quiz: Are you dark witch Willow or pure wiccan Tara?
brought to you by Quizilla

MOVING FORWARD

2005-06-18T23:18:00.000-07:00

....MY SISTER, TE MAI, AND I WILL TRANSFER TO OUR NEW ROOM NEXT WEEKEND, WE LOOKED FOR BEDS EARLIER & WE KINDA NEED A SMALL ONE OR IT WON'T FIT IN OUR SMALL ROOM.

...FUNNY THING HAPPENED YESTERDAY.
Everyone knows that the percentage of single, cute, STRAIGHT guy in the office is close to zero, i kinda have a crush on one of our batch mates, but that's only for two weeks, he looks like Pong Pagong (BATIBOT), he's the unmarried guy w/ 2 kidS. so what happened is that, yesterday during my 15min break, he went to my pod & said that he wants to smoke but he doesnt have someone to smoke with. SIGN #1, of course i just ignored him, so he asked if i smoke (which i bet he knows coz he always see me in the smoking area), SIGN #2, of course, i said yes, but i dont wanna smoke at the moment. [EVIL LAUGH.]
i was talking to a customer when someone stood beside me, surprise, surprise, it's Pong Pagong, he didnt say anything, he post a note on my hard phone, which, may i quote, 'HI, I JUST WANNA ASK IF YOU HAVE A LANDLINE, SO I CAN CALL YOU.
WANNA KNOW YOU BETTER. THANKS. JP." [Silence]..[giggle]
if you think taht i find that appealin, then, no, but it's funny, cute in a sense, corny nga lang, i have to press my mute button & say, "sorry, i don't have one'. he kinda stood there, & we kinda had a moment, but that's all, i swear, really funny.
my friends and i planned to have breakfast at MCDO, but my teammate had a supcall that lasted for 2 1/2 hrs, the gen.mngr had to go there, to make the long story short, i went outside to inform my friends to go ahead coz my team will still have a meeting, Pong Pagong (that's our code) was there with his friends, so my friends went home & surprise, surprise, Pong Pagong said, 'i canw ait for you.' (shocked) i said, "no thanks. i'm ok." he said, "really. i will." i replied, "you dont have to" then walked away.
back at the office, i was hanging around in my pod when a new hire approached me and said, "excuse me. i have a question" so i asked,"what is it", new hire said,"uhm..coz the customer.." [me, raising my eyebrow, clearly confuse], new hire cotinued then asked,"are you a coach?", i said, "N.O.", she apologized 4x to be exact then walked away. i mean is that a compliment or an insult?!
still amused that someone thought i'm a coach, i sat there & wait for my coach when Pomh apporached me, we kinda talked & he asked where i live, i have to say my address, he lives in QC so he said it's ok, i said it's not. i was laughing all the time, whicj i know is not cute or anything, but it's so funny, coz he's flirting with me & he's no longer my crush. weirdo.

things to date

2005-06-15T17:40:00.000-07:00

so yeah, i got zero lovelife, zero social life, and worst, zero bank account. i mean, i have no enough sleep since after graduation, and where am i? on my pod, with my abnormal body clock, freezing to death while some freaking people think that i am there o listen to them vent all day, and what do i get? low AHT, low QA, an 2 inch think eyebags & a couple of pimples.
no wonder a lot of my batchmates already resigned.

......i can only do so much......

2005-06-15T17:37:00.000-07:00

You scored as Gay Bear.

Nihilist bear

67%

Gay Bear

67%

Hooligan Bear

50%

Raver bear

50%

Bondage bear

50%

Tramp bear

50%

Stoner bear

33%

Aryan bear

17%

Which 'Bad' Care Bear are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

some weird tidbits

2005-06-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

so last saturday night, i went out with my highschool friends, i was having my dinner when Mek with his new wheels arrived, so i jumped in. we went to Gio's a local bar where there's good beer and good music. Che & Mek broke up, that's why our Subic vacation was cancelled, coz that wil be weird right? and i think this time it's really serious, it all began when Che asked Mek to extend his vacation in Baguio, but then Mek doesnt have any cash with him anymore, and we all know men & their ego right? so they got in a fight & he threw a pillow on her. and i know that's it's just a pillow, but what if it's a plate that he picked up & throw at her right? so, they broke up, and she doesnt want to reconcile with him anymore, our plan that night has nothing to do with them being together again, we just want them to see each other as friends, like back at one, but then of course, they fixed thigns up in the middle of the night.. i mean, i dnt want a submissive man, but i just don't get it with these people. che just experienced a pillow, lucky her, Myla on the other hand, was grabbed,slapped, pushed, and they are still together. i mean. Earth calling sane women!! oh well, whta do i know about relationships..
so yeah, Mane, has been flirting with this guy from the other table, we always do that, but somehow i guess i lost it..and she was like asking me what's wrong.. i got tired of giving my no. to strangers..or flirting and stuff..i guess i just get tired of all the insincerety and vagueness of it all..

i heard this story that Joan & botchok, peeps from highschool, got married, secretly, the weird thing is that she's not pregnant or anything, and her parents doesnt even know anything about it! i mean..come on girl!

while russ & i were walkng on the way to the office earlier & i talked to him about men & my lack of interest on them..he was like wondering why.. and i guess, i'm just tired, or, worst, maybe this is what women call, the first stage of menopausal period...holy.. LOLENG , ROS!!!! HELP

my last visit

2005-06-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

so, cha and i went to the funeral place where Sir. Jess is... hmm..the place looks cold, i never liked funerals, i thought there'll be a lot of people, but i guess, all of them will be in our campus church tomorrw, SIGH*.. i thought it will be better if they placed all his priced collections of who knows what..i miss the Runes and the witch hair thing..he always has something to show to our class every day..some are gifts..some are collected from his travels..but all are precious..
so, he died unmarried and without a family, but there are sooo many big flowers from everyone, like some are from his class of '69 as i heard.
i really dnt wanna look at him..i never look at corpes..but, i guess, i just want to look at him.. and my oh my, if all corpes are that beautiful, then i won't hesitate to look..still a little weird, but he looks soo handsome..Mestizong mestizo.
haaay...i just remembered one of my conversations with my friends during his lecture, that if only i'm a multimillionaire or something, i'll give him a roundtrip vacation to Greece..since he always teach us about it. i guess he'd been there & to all other places as well.. it will be just a little weird, not seeing him again when we go to the mall..

Sigh..

2005-06-06T02:36:00.000-07:00

WHY DO I HAVE THIS FEELING THAT YOU'RE GOING TO DROP ME LIKE AN OLD RUG THROWN & FORGOTTEN ONCE SHE COMES BACK?

AND I'M STARTING TO HATE YOU FOR IT.

a farewell

2005-06-06T02:24:00.000-07:00

last saturday, i heard from a co-trainee that our beloved Sir.Jess is gone. Sigh** i just feel bad because..i dont know..it's just that he's my favorite..and i whenever my friends and i go to the mall to see a movie, we will see him dining alone or choosing a movie..we always say Hi but we leave him alone coz maybe he just want solitude or something.. i'd been looking forward on being his student ever since i was a freshman..it came true on my last sem in college.. he's my mythology professor & i never absent my self, even once from his class.. i love his stories..the way he smiles..his funny haircut, his black sandals,he never wears closed shoes,his old test papers that, i bet, are older than me, & his cigarettes..but i'll miss most his stories... even though most finds it boring..i dont care about the story.. i love it because he's the one who is telling them..

he's someone who never forget his roots..he receives a lot of awards..a lot of offers..some are from Yale or Harvard or something along that line..but he still chose to stay..to teach students who rarely cares for literature..but he continued..he may forget portions of his past but never literature.

some of my professors were his students..and i'm glad i had the chance to be one of his, i think, millions of students before he said goodbye..

sigh**

2005-06-06T02:13:00.000-07:00

NOT BECAUSE A RABBIT COULDN'T CRY AS AN EAGLE DOESNT MEAN HE'S NOT HURTING

a lot like love

2005-06-01T04:50:00.000-07:00

i just watched the said movie earlier with my coworkers..or co trainees .. whatever. we were supposed to watch Madagascar. but i forced them to watch 'alot like love' and just watch MAdagascar some other time. even before the movie i knew im gonna be depressed,. aaarrgghhh... i like it, it's just that it has one glitch, an editing error or a lapse, but aside from that, it's okay, kinda familiar, i do like the songs, and well, yeah.. sigh*.. i'm just lonelier tahn the usual.

work is not doing okay. my coach received 2 opportunity reports since yesterday, the day i started taking calls on my own. first is taht, i submitted a promise to pay, an extention of some sort withput asking for his approval, which i swear i didnt know. the 2nd time is really an error on my part, it's just that i kinda send out anotehr prepaid box of UPS because i thought we havent received the box yet, when we already have it. FREAKAZOID!!!!! aarrgghh.. i'm messing up real bad.

my callers are okay. a 64 year old lady asked me to reverse a $99.9 adult Pay per views, she said someone's playing with her remote and she can't pay it, luckily, another agent submitted a remote and i just taught her how to lock it thru the remote, and she's so nice, i just wanna hug her! and then! this freaking know-it-all, wants to cancel her services, and the SOP is that we shld try to save the acct, and then she said no, and i said ok, and told her that im justleaving notes, when she said something about notes being used in courts!! AND she told me,' AND IM GUESSING YOU'RE EDUCATED AND U KNOW THAT RYT? I EXPECT U GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE??!?' and i said yes, and she just keep on being rude!! arrggghh... i hate her. before i go home i checked her acct again and the other agent wrote notes like the customer is insulting her and being rude and even asked for a supervisor. aarrrrhhhh..very tiring. i eman why do people have to be rude when all you want is help them!?!?!?!

tehre are lots of ghosts and gays in the office, straight men? endagered species.

.... i am going to find a boyfriend.and that's final.

plain lonely

2005-05-23T18:02:00.000-07:00

so i'm officially depressed as of the moment. i'm still not sure if my depression pulls my work down or if my work is the cause of the so called depression.

i'm thinking...

a.) that maybe i messed up so bad in the past that i couldnt make it all good again. i mean all my friends know how i sucks when it comes to men, but heck! what can i do, i like them!

b.) that maybe committment is not really in my genes. my relatives can stand to that.

c.) that i maybe i am willing to negotiate and try to have structures with my realtionships. maybe i just have to lessen some vices and try to be accomodating. the thing is that, i know my friends will slap it to my face, on how i bended my principles and eat my words just for a guy and the worst thing is that i know they are right.

d.) that maybe i can stop being so difficult, i mean, if i can just stop doing the things you ask me not to do, then maybe tings could have been different.

e.) that maybe, i can put my pride on the side and say what i really want. that maybe someday maybe if i learn to say the things that should have been said, things could be easier..

f.) that maybe, i'll just be depressed for the next ten years until some man from outer space notices me as a girlfriend material and not just a buddy.

so maybe i have a tendency to intimidate men, or maybe i can easily turn away from them, but i don't want to. i want the thing that i've been running from to come to me. however, i dont wanna enter a relationship just for the heck of having one. maybe Mayla is correct, im not a child anymore, sometimes, we just hafta take the big step and move forward and experience the unexplored. but i dont want to experience it with some boy, Andre is right, maybe boys can be really tiring, maybe what we need is a real man, and not just a phony relationship.

darn i hate this.

so far so far

2005-05-23T17:53:00.000-07:00

so yeah, i received my ATM this morning, but i still have to go to the bank and activate it or something... aarrgghh..i hate banks.
some buddies suck big time!! i got my first official F last night, and it's kinda disappointing.. now i am sure my work is not on a safe land..

yesterday before going to manila, my mom gave me some money for my new phone, but i told her that im not ready yet, but she insisted, so i give in.. franco and some peeps will go to Greenhills with me tomorrow after our work and after going to the bank and after going to our Clinic for my Dental Check up.

my trainer caught me sleeping earlier, i mean, i really tried not to, but im so freaking sleepy! and i dont wanna study AmSpeak..

now i'm hungry.

HBO peeps

2005-05-20T17:25:00.000-07:00

so yeah....Q.A. sucks big time.. i hate disclosures..i hate upselling and i hate stupid people who thinks that they know everything when the fact is they know nothing!!! will you please shut the f**k up for heaven's sake!!

there's an office outing..they are going to ?Island Cove and it's for free... and for some freaking reason...our trainer didn't tell us about it.. arrgghhh...

so yeah, let me introduce you to the HBO peeps...

Rhonald is an ex college teacher, he's our math wizard, he can compute everything under 5 seconds, he collects VCDs, a chain smoker, an alcoholic, and gay. yesterday he was asked to take a leave of absence..his medical exam shows that he has TB...NO COMMENT.

JOYCE is my ever reliable sidekick, she's soo nice and she's a lesbian. Pam is her partner, who is also nice... she has the tendency of collapsing every once in a while without any sign..she's also a smoker.

MYLA, she's such a brat but i still love her...she's so prblematic with her lovelife but i can't help her with it...no one can.. whatta brat.. wab u gurl!!

Russell...babaero. chickboy. single dad. and a 100% gentleman. may hang up sa X nya pero sila na ni myla... ewan ko ba..but he's nice, he always wait for me in 7-11 so we can go to work together...laging galit pag naka taxi ako.. weirdo...

RHON..U.K. (read: ukay ukay) king.. everyone thinks he's gay but actually he's not.

G.B. baby... tatampo kasi di ko na daw sa pinapansin..whatever..

CRissy, ex teacher, hilig mag tsinelas sa work...

ice, single mom, and tyou really dont wanna mess up with her...

jai, an O.C. but i love her J.lo ass... ahehehe

hmmm....who else?

those who are not worth mentioning .. next tym nlng...

depressed for some weird reason...

2005-05-17T23:22:00.000-07:00

so work is doing fine, i got grades i don't deserve coz i know i don't deserve an A but then again i don't deserve a B coz i don't upsell.. argghh... oh well, Buddies are surprisinly helpful, i haven't experienced the Evil men and women who thinks that they are God's gift to the world.... i wanna be a Buddy. that is if i will graduate from training. sigh**** information overload...but i think Parlance is okay, i kinda like it now and i think i wanna stay...if not, then okay, fine. sigh*. i mean, i can handle irate customers and some can be really sweet especially if they talk spanish, arrrggghhh.... pathetic.

hmmmm, i think Andre will like Parlance, coz it's sooo haunted. and really scary especially during graveyard shifts..... wooooohhhhhhhh ... the kid in our room is so playful that it's really getting scary.

my mom and my friends keeps on telling me to buy a new phone, but i want my sister to have a new one first before i do...and she wants me to buy before her... she's such an angel... but i still want her to buy before me. (see? im an angel too) *evil smile*

hmmm....so my friends' girlfriends and boydfriends are always outside the office to drop them off and to pick them up after the shift.... franco and i were thinking when will the time NA KAMI NAMAN ANG SUSUNDUIN?!? KAHIT ONE TIME LANG..bwahahaha... arrgghh..depressing.

2005-05-17T23:18:00.000-07:00

maui, your subconscious mind is most preoccupied with issues around your love life (whatever...sigh)

On a conscious level, you might already be aware that something is troubling you, or eating up a lot of time when it comes to your love life. But it's also possible that thoughts and feelings about your romantic life have been preoccupying your subconscious mind — leaving you with nothing more than a general sense that things just don't feel 100% right in your life though you can't quite figure out why.

You may feel your love life is unfulfilling and needs a jumpstart. You might be going through a lot of changes in your love life that you find emotionally draining. You might simply spend a lot of time thinking about romantic relationships. Or maybe you're so frustrated with your situation that you avoid the topic all together.

Whichever feelings hold true, your test results indicate that right now, your subconscious mind is working overtime to resolve the issues confronting you in this area of your life — even if you don't feel aware of it.

(the question is...DO I HAVE A LOVELIFE?!?!)

http://web.tickle.com/tests/subconsciousmind/authorize/register.jsp?url=/tests/subconsciousmind/index.jsp

my first pay check

2005-05-15T20:00:00.000-07:00

sigh*** i'm exhausted....

well, i received my first salary last friday, it's not much , but heck! i like it... so yeah, i am not allowed to ask for money again and i have to try to budget whatever i have..

i hate taxes. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

last friday, my officemates and i went to laguna. we went ot MonteVista REsort, a hot spring of some sort, a little splash island, it's okei... it's just that it's a hot spring and it's summer, so, it's a little weird.

after going to Laguna, i went straight to bulacan, to SitioLucia, because my family is there, so still, without sleep, i tried to make the best of it, even if i was late.

so yeah, my sched this week is 10pm to 7am, arrggghh... i hope i can graduate... but it's really not easy, believe me.

my mom wants me to buy another phone, but i told her that she can just contact me through my sister's phone, but she said i have to have my own. whatever.

hmmm.... rumors about ghosts and lost souls in the office is now very common..i'm kinda used to it... you know, like shadows running, someone whistling, a kid under the table, a woman in the middle of the class, tha's just normal i guess, since we're located near the cemetery, one taxi driver even asked if i'm going to the cemetery, and it's 5am and still dark, i think i scared him. :)

my friday buddy(we get a new one every day), they are the senior CSR's who guides the new hires(that's me), told me, and i quote...

Buddy:" Zafra lady..Zafra lady.. who's that witty writer?"
Me: (Big Sigh) "i know. i know...It's the glasses.."
Buddy: yeah.. i like it."
Me:"She's Jessica Zafra"
Buddy: YEah.her.."
ME:"So can we start?
Buddy : Uhmm.sure."

arrggghhhh......

people say i don't sound myself when im on the phone..
what the?!

and yeah, i hate my new trainer. she's such a ......control freak.

me on the floor...

2005-05-12T04:08:00.000-07:00

i almost failed in my AMspeak class..

i hate QA

information overload

in two months, i'll be asked to resign.

my gulay

miss you paul and dre!!! mwaaaah

2005-05-04T02:23:00.000-07:00

russel, joyce and i spent the night at myla's place and got drunk last night...
today, i lost my bag.
i lost my phone, all my ids, my paer, my pictures, my oney. i hate it!!!

we were taking our cancer break this morning when i put it on a table in the pantry, the next thing i know, it's gone! all of it!!! we went to the securuity, HR, facilities, evrywhere! we even watched the security cam.. but it's black and white and a lot of people carries big bags and paper bags. everyone was soo supportive that i almost feel shy. tom, my very kind trainer and almost half of my class went to the facility department to ask for it. it's so overwhelming.

yeah... i tried not to cry but the security guard ask for my name and i couldn't help it. i called my mom and cried she never seen or heard me cry for a long time now and she said it's okay and that she'll buy me another one...the cheaper kind..so it won't stig much if it get lost. arrrggghhh.. i hate it. i don't want another phone.

suspect? it's another agent. she was sitting beside us. we all think it's her. but i can' remember her face.. my friends though.. they are ready to attack the next time they see her.

arrgggggggghhhhhhhhhh.. i hate this.

the other day we listened to calls.. just to get the feeling of it. tomorrow however, we will navigate while our buddy talks to the customer. next week, we'll handle it on our own. and i'm not ready yet!!! arrrggghhh.. i dont wanna go to work tomorrow...

i hate this.

catching up...

2005-05-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

i miss my lola. i promised i won't cry.. i couldn't hold my tears back in the funeral.. arrggghhh...miss you lola..mwaaahhh
uhmm..yeah..my relatives just realized that i look like my lola. WOW. thank you. sigh

training sucks. big time. i almost failed in my first week. arrgghhh... i hate it.

cancer breaks. that's our 15min break . uhmm.yeahh.. i'm smoking again.

i met a lot of new people. i went out with my new friends at work last friday. some are old,some are serious, but we like each other. our section is the loudest and happiest section, from what i heard.

hm..joyce and pam are the cutest couple. sigh. adorable.

my planning on moving in with joyce,louise and may.. hope the unit is nice, we are going there tomorrow to take a peak.

'home' is playing here in the cafe.... i hate it.

paul broke up with geof, or that's the last thing i heard. i don't know.

andre lost SOOO much.. looks smaller..and slimmer.. gotta eat something other than tuna your highness. mizz you!!

i am still alone. and it's starting to get lonely.

2005-04-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

i have so many stories to tell and questions to ask...

but i don't what they are

or how should i ask them,

right now i am searching,

for what it really is.

i want to have a regret.

who is my biggest mistake?

i want to miss you.

i want someone to be mad at me.

i am going to find a keeper.

2005-04-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

PHOTOGRAPHY.

here i come!!!!

the grass is blue

2005-04-14T00:24:00.000-07:00

i've had to think of a way to survive since you said it's over told me good-bye
i just can't make it one day without you unless i pretend that the opposite's true
rivers flow backwards
valleys are high
mountains are level
truth is a lie
i'm perflectly fine
and i don't miss you
the sky is green and the grass is blue

how much can a heart and a troubled mind take
where is that fine line before it all breaks
can one end their sorrow just cross over it
and into that realm of instanity's bliss
there's snow in the tropics
there's ice on the sun
it's hot in the Artic
and crying is fun
and i'm alright now and i'm over you
and the sky is green
and the grass is blue

and the rivers flow backwards and my tears are dry
swans hate the water and eagles can't fly
but i'm alright now that i'm over you
and the sky is green and the grass is blue
and i don't love you and the grass is blue
---------------------------------norah jones

2005-04-12T22:01:00.000-07:00

i am going to write.

2005-04-12T16:44:00.000-07:00

*my grandmother is VERY VERY ill. i developed a flu maybe because i'd been holding my tears whenever our relatives will visit her and whenever i see my lolo sitting on the hospital bed telling her to be okay so that tehy can go back to the farm again.. arrgghhh...i hate this.

*i'm done with all my tests and interviews with Parlance. they told us to wait for their call. i'm going to wait for it until friday.

*someone called yesterday telling me that they read my resume in jobstreet and told me to go at tehir office for an interview today at 10am.. i don't want to go so i'll just call them and ask if they can reschedule the interview.

* graduation graduation.. i love our speaker, he looks like Pope and he's a highschool teacher for 50 years! maybe that's why he's so funny. i just wanna hug him.

* BELATED HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDRE PHILIP LOLENG!!!!had lang ng hada mama! bwahaha..wab u!! mwaaah

*i saw CLOSER with gilbert after our psychological exam (which i still believe will be the reason for my rejection in Parlance). he fell asleep. but i love it! i wished i saw it with paul and andre... but andre will probably hate their acting and teh script..but paul! my gulay! the movie is soooo him! he texted me yesterday and he said he watched it with his sister and she hated it..he also wished that he saw it with us... haaaayy...infidelities and relationships.. i probably heard the most insincere 'i L-word you' so frequently that i almost puke.

*get well soon lola. mwaaaaahh

my new found career

2005-04-06T03:26:00.000-07:00

so i was busy this week because of my job interviews..which, bless the blessed one, turned out surprisingly well.
i woke up late on the day of my interview and i still have to print my resume. glbert was spitting fire when i arrived, he never said a word in the taxi. i didnt mean to be late, but we didn't missed our interview.

the first stage of the interview was a phone interview where i was ordered to go to a room and answer the phone if it rings. it did. so i said, 'hello, good morning!',and a female voice said, 'good morning, i would like to inquire about my daughter's account...blah blah blahh' (WHAT THE?!?!) at first i thought it was a situational interview but she's really serious so i told her that i'll put her on hold because i'm in an interview and i don't have any idea what she's talking about. the phone rung again and i heard her talking to gilbert so i hung up. it rang again and it was her again so i asked her a couple of questions and told her to wait for a moment coz i'll go to the HR dept. to ask...when i returned with a HR employee she already hanged up.. when the phone rang again, i was soo tired that i just said hello, and goodmorning in a very lazy voice, it turned out to be my interviewer...sucks eh?! buyt i still passed the interview.

we were told to wait at the lobby for the second level of interview, a face to face interview, and when it was my turn, i stood up and gilbert said, "BAby, you have!" arrrggghhh..stain... did i mention i was wearing my beige skirt? i fixed it up in the restroom...we laughed so hard after that, they said i handled it properly.. cool.

we went there again today, i was interviewd by a manager and luckily i passsed. i just hafta take a psychological test (still clueless why) and then my medical exam then 6-9 weeks of training..of course they will give us allowance..

__i went to the mall last night with my sister and we bought this pinkish sleeveless and slightly mini pinkish skirt.. i'm gonna wear it on our graduation day..ahahaha...just to change things .. and of course shock my friends.. shhhh....

____

looking back...(it's quite long)

2005-04-06T02:30:00.000-07:00

*i lost chi chi while in our church preparing our saint, Maria Magdalene for the procession last holy wednesday...if there's a symbolism somewhere there, i don't want to fonder on it.

* later that night i was standing at the front of our church waiting for my friends when ythis black expedition that carries a motorcyle at the back pulled up in front of me..the guy who doesn't look familiar to me rolled down the window and watch the happenings at the church..i swear i thought i found my summer thingy when we kinda looked at each other for 3 seconds (you know the rule:3secs-interested; 4secs-keep it up; 5secs-slowly smile) then the children shouted, "JORDANNNNNN", yeah.. the rexona turned sexy actor jordan herrera. he's from a nearby town and i never liked him.. sigh* what a lost.

* i saw Michael, my Ex who recently got married, he looks well, although he didn't noticed us..

* my family hosted our annual reunion (Martin Family/grandmother's side) lst Easter, there's a lot of food and i took some pictures, i was soo busy i didn't noticed that i was still wearing my pajamas. we had a blast on teh Videoke machine.. CONCERT!!

* my lola was hospitalized the day after the reunion. my aunt and i stayed with her for 3 days and two nights. did i mentioned that she's one verrry grumpy old lady?! she transfered from a solo/AC room to a double/not AC room...sigh*.. well, when i went outside i noticed that there's a baby in the nursery and kinda look at it a couple of times that day coz she's sooo red and cute, well, i returned during the night but teh curtain was closed but i can still see her because of the lights, THEN this male nurse (who is kinda cute) asked me if i am one of the baby's relatives (coz if so, he will open the curtain) but of course i sadi no and left. later taht night,. mek and che visited me since they went out and decided to drop by, i thought they broke up but it seems thet they are back together and we discussed our plans..

*for some weird reasons all my messages were erased... GRRRRRRR..i opened my phone then it automatically turned itself off so turned it on again, and i noticed that all my messages from my inbox to outbox to drafts to outbox to drafts to sent and to my folders were all GONE. i have messages that are years old!!! i just wanna cry that day.. sniff**

*che/ponyang told me that i can move to baguio with her if i want to..

*i saw 'the pacifier'. i love vin diesel, the movie was okay..

* PARLANCE tour.. nice place..

*ELEPHANT JUICE, i herad that movie from somewhere so i bought the vcd of that movie.. "for anyone who is afraid of saying i love you' .. still haven't seen it.

*APRIL 1- my friends and i went to MEK's place.. and decided to go to a local bar later taht night. it was very interesting night. a couplke of guys from another table came to our table and asked for my name and number..i chatted with them for a while but it's nothing.. well, everyone was having a great time, me with the boys who are flirting with me, mane with her EX that was also in the bar with his present gf, mek and che with each other; Mhejhu and APol trying to get to know each other; when RJ decided that Mhejhu(his X) and APol (his gf) should sit together. then BOOM! apol and meju were both crying and were furious with RJ> it was very funny. we went home at 4am because RJ has to fix things up and explain himself..i bet i saw him crying. but still it was verrry verry funny.. eheheheh..did i mention my brother was also there and that he caught us?!? ahahaha...

*APRIL 2- Paula, my childhood friend and cousin's birthday and wedding day. she's sooo pregnant but still beautiful... her husband however was errr... very.. veryy.. okay, next topic. hehe

*APRIL 4 - my friends and i decided to go to Divine Mercy, believe me that's not our kjind of place but after the episode last friday night, we decided to clean our souls a BIT..we ended up having dinner at the mall and then back to Gio's Grill, the bar... everything was okay..i was enjoying the sound and the man who was playing the violin and MAndy was flirting with the vocalist (we even send a beer at their table and he's nice enough to go to MAndy and thank her personally adn even greeted her at the stage..i still think he never got that much free beer in his entire music career hehe).. so yeahmek,che,mandy,rj and me was having a quiet night at the bar when che's gay cousin dropped by and started flirting with "RJ that maddens Mek which maddens Che more.. arrgghh!!

* i've never seen mek that upset in our years of being friends, he were flying on the road and all of us were nervous because of our speed..in a crossroad, we were a HAIR STRAND CLOSE of being sandwiched between a jeep and a truck,... i swear! i almost had a heart attack.. we stopped at a vacant lot and tried to talk some sense to Mek but he still was quite upset. his girlfriend, walked out of the car the moment it stopped withput even saying a word.. i styed with mek in the car and that's when he totally lost it, he was shouting and cursing and he cried,that never happened before..and i bet there's something with Gio's Bar that blesses the single people and dooms men with girlfriends. ahehhee..

*mek and che were planning on going back to baguio together and live together the whole summer but mek blew it off.... she's still spitting fire...

sigh* i'm tired...and still alone.

sleeps with butterflies

2005-04-06T02:28:00.000-07:00

Airplanes
Take you away again
Are you flying
Above where we live
Then I look up a glare in my eyes
Are you having regrets about last night
I'm not but I like rivers that rush in
So then I dove in
Is there trouble ahead
For you the acrobat
I won't push you unless you have a net

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on
To the tail of your kite
I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly then boy

Balloons
Look good from on the ground
I fear with pins and needles around
We may fall then stumble
Upon a carousel
It could take us anywhere

I'm not like the girls that you've known
But I believe I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl only sleeps with butterflies
With butterflies
With butterflies
So go on and fly boy
------------------------------tori amos

flabbergasted

2005-04-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

i never thought it will sting.

i feel cheated.

beats me.

*new happenings: to follow; i can't write anything right now..i can't even think..

finally i found them...

2005-03-21T19:50:00.000-08:00

I just poured my heart out
there's bits of it on the floor
And I take what's left of it and rinse it under cold water
And call him up for more

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
so sorry

He grabs my wrist
as my fingers turn into angry fists
and I whisper why can't you love me, I'll change for you
I'll play the part

He said I'm sorry
so sorry
I'm sorry
I am sorry
-------------------------------------maria mena-----------

the song of my life

2005-03-21T19:48:00.000-08:00

I've been walking around all day thinking
I think I have a problem, I think I think too much
I've been taught to hold back my tears and avoid them
but you've made pain into something I could touch

I've been walking around all day laughing
Think I'd be better off without you here
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare
Now that's ok, let them stop and stare

I've been walking around all day waiting
And waiting is all I seem to do
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it
But this time I'll just have to
Yeah, this time I'll just have to

Say you're not around, am I finished?
If you're not around that's too bad
Hope you're safe and sound, not alone now
Cause you know I believe in you

Cause I'm fragile
I am hopeless
I'm not perfect
But I am free
----------------maria mena--------

goodbye....i'm looking forward on NOT seeing you again

2005-03-18T21:12:00.000-08:00

it's one o'clock...

one hour and still counting...

i woke up early because i have a final interview for the training in the call center, i was ironing my hair when i heard 'iris'...it's my phone.. and it's Min.. he said that he's leaving in a couple of hours and just wanted to say goodbye.

he said he will leave on the 22nd, but there's been a change, according to him. his flight was scheduled today at 12nn. an hour ago. he boarded the plane while i was in an interview..it was all blurred, i dont even remember a thing that i said.

we were supposed to go out before he leaves, that's his promise, and like the others, it never happened.

'dont forget to take care of yourself', he said. ahhhh..the ever caring friend. we don't know when he'll return or IF he will return.

i don't have anything but memories....that will soon fade away...then i'll have nothing...

i wish i said something better than 'yngat.'

.....cramps.....

2005-03-17T23:09:00.000-08:00

cramps....

sigh*

enough said.

2005-03-15T22:26:00.000-08:00

i wish i can hold your hands and say what i really feel,
but a stone is stocked to my throat
stopping the words you want to hear.

i wish i can be what you want me to be.

i want to believe the unexisting.
and feel the warmth of absence,
i want to shut what has been opened,
and open what has been long shut closed.

i wish i can be what you want me to be.

i would like to take the road less taken.
visit and experience the bliss i only heard.
take a leap and feel everything there is
that everyone feels but me.

i wish i can be what you want me to be.

i wish i can be like her,
fragile and sweet.
but i am what i am,
coward and free.

what is this fleeting ache i feel?
tell me what i really feel,
give the air i want to breathe,
for this pain is killing me.

i've never known darkness and the cold,
until you brought the warmnt and the light,
now i shiver and i fear,
clueless and cold,
what is this i feel?

never take the ache,
for the pain is all there is,
let me shiver from from your absence,
for it's all you have left.

i won't let you see the pain,
for i've shown you love and you took it away.
leave me this unending ache,
for this is all there is.

----------officially depressed.

thanks but no thanks

2005-03-14T21:06:00.000-08:00

i refuse to be taken for granted.

i refuse to be thrown aside when i'm not needed.

i refuse to let you see me hurting.

i refuse to ruin my life because of you.

i refuse to say that it's okay when it's not.

i refuse to be reached just because you can't reach her.

i refuse to be treated like some freaking stand-in.

get that?!!?

why did you split up?

2005-03-14T20:33:00.000-08:00

why? well, here's why:

J.B. - my first. wrote him hundreds of letters. first holding hands.he thinks i'm too close to guys. when i said i want it to end,i was just joking. it was a bet. a dare. because he never get mad at me. never thought you'll just say 'OK'and leave.. freak.
planning to get a job abroad and have a family. good for you!

JEROME - i am eternally sorry. a rebound. my friends said it's for the best. i said it's a revenge. sorry if i used you.
in a relationship for 2 years now or something..

KERBY - errr... whatever happened? he's from San Beda, went to R.P. for the first time of course with him, a little loud and a snob, i think it's the movie we saw was the metaphor of it all..
never heard from him again.

MICHAEL - sexiest during the morning. awwww... HOT!!! my summer thingy. best player, best driver, best kisser?! ehehhe.. the oldest from the bunch.. went ballistic when i broke up with him for no apparent reason...well actually, he's too serious for me.. sorry dude!
married.

ALVIN - wait, naging tayo ba?! a friend introduced me to him. tall , dark, and mysterious. i thought we had an unspoken agreement. casual. no promises. no baby talk. no territory anything.. asked me out to put whatever it is to another level.. got scared and i didn't show up.. he tried calling me but i didn't talk to him. saw him again the next semester, he got a girlfriend.
in a verryy serious relationship.

MIN CHUL - NAGING TAYO BA PART II. my soft spot. my achilles' heel. culture gap, spiritual gap, attitude gap, every gap there is we have it. the only one i let to bring me home, had fishballs, early meetings in the library, late night calls, morning text, awwww.....
will leave for korea on the 22nd of march. in a relationship.

...wait...hmm...okay.. that's all.. at least worth mentioning.. ahahaha...

every guy that andre like turns out to be gay, or realized they are gay.
every guy that was linked to me turned to have a serious relationhip after.
(paul likes nothing but geof).
they are happy, i am happy. cheers!

my life ... so far

2005-03-14T20:01:00.000-08:00

monday.

final editing for my thesis.

tuesday.

thesis for breakfast. thesis for lunch. thesis for dinner. finally, it's done, and i can grab some sleep after three weeks.

wednesday.

i woke up late. i was late for an hour and a half in my training so i took the fastest shower ever, combing while brushing my teeth, wear my uniform while looking for my shoes and i'm ready to go! i was riding a jeepney when i realized i have no smaller bill and my wallet only has a single 500 peso bill and there's no other passengers but me and a guy who was sitting beside the driver, so i gave the 500 peso bill and apologized because i have no smaller bill, the driver thought it was a 100 peso bill so he said okay then said, "nyek!" when he saw Ninoy staring at him. he gave me back my money and ask for my coins,i only have P3.10, afraid that he will shout at me if i give me 10c, i told him that i only have P3, and he said that will do. that was soooooo degrading! the man beside him didn't even help! hmmp .. badtrip.

turned in my thesis.. read my classmates acknowledgement and i was there..ahhahaha..funny funny funny

i love constantine. period.

chris called, sorry i was so loud while i was telling the story.. ahehhe

friday.

LOLA anastacio , the OIC of our department orient us what to do to the graduation ceremony. we must be there at 6..no not p.m..but 6AM!!! arrgghh..no stilettos or sandals and slip-ons, closed shoes, (BEHH!!!sandals ako!) we paid and tried some toga afterwards..ehheheh

my classmates and i talked about Laguna and we decided to go there the day after graduation. paul of course volunteered himself that he'll give a certain amount of money which was cool, then, he volunteered myself too! he said we'll handle part of the cash...aarrrrggghhh!!!! so yeah, but only part of it!

a friend asked me if i will go home for the weekend and i said yes, she said, 'Perfect! it's your X's wedding day!' .. no comment..

later that night paul, geof,andre and i went to Our's in Malate. i had no voice
at all and my throat hurts real bad...sniff sniff

saturday.

i went home with my Ate.

went to a children's party.

saw Faith. she's soo small, she doesn't look at me, they said she's too young. her mom was also sick., tsk tsk tsk..

cleaned the church. chris called while i was mopping the floor. sorry i have no voice and i realized i keep on repeating myself.. what was the favor? the line was cut off...

so yeah, my x got married. good for him!

sunday.

ice cream!!!! yummy!!!

my mom told me and my brother to cook dinner. awww... she bought tahong and some fish. my brother handled the tahong and told me to handle the fish. well that's easy! a pan, oil, fish, turn it over, done!

except that it stick to the pan! and i kinda..slight..ruin the fish...my mom's husband arrived and i told him to handle it. he shouted at me when he realized whta happened to the fish.. WELL, I TOLD YOU I CAN'T COOK RIGHT?!?!..

we all eat tahong and they kinda laughed at the fish coz you it's ruined beyond recognition..

monday.

my mom woke me up before 7am and had breakfast with her. she said what went wrong with the fish and said that she'll teach me how to cook over the vacation.. i'm doomed.

chris called while i was on the road. sorry i can't answer it. you were gone when i hopped online.. oh well..

things so far

2005-03-08T22:27:00.000-08:00

awwwww...miss my blog...

i'll try to remember the things happened this week...

* finally saw 'hitch' but paul and i didn't really get what happened because ichi was texting us... we had a fight afterwards.. but everything is okay now..we are friends again..i'll try to watch it again...

* we rode a taxi on our way to the mall that day..hmm.. took us an hour to get one but heck! we found teh cutest driver...awwwwwww.... like him so much.. we were kinda..kinda take note.. flirting with him when i noticed his key chain... it was heart shaped with a picture of a couple..eheheh..it turned out that he's married...awwww...her name is jen..(hate that name..grrr)...we gave him a large tip...coz he's so freaking hot!!...on our way home however, it's like the heaven cursed us for flirting with a married man coz we chose a killer taxi with the most obnoxious driver in the Metro...i thought i'll never reach home in one piece...no tip for that guy though..

* i am 100%poor..spent all my money for my papers...waaaahhhh..

* hannah....pokskie...gotta remember that.

*chatted with chris...down as usual... of course i had to pull out my oprah/dr.phil persona..hope i helped...im such a good friend indeed eh?

*almost had a heart attack last weekend..woke up from my siesta because my phone was ringing, i was shocked to hear paul crying..i thought something bad happened, like anotehr suicide or something..i called evryone but no one was answering their phones so i thought something really bad happened...it turned out he had a fight with wis partner...badtrip..grrrrr..they robbed five years off my life.. shucks...

*happy birthday cha!!! why are you hiding from us?

*gilbert is in a relationship right now..awwww..go baby!

* my mom called last night, wants me to work in Cali....i don't want to..she told me to think about it..fine fine.. thinking.....

*mock interview on saturday...what will happen?

*still happily single..

a wedding and 5 funerals

2005-02-26T21:11:00.000-08:00

why do people do the things that they do?

why don't i do that things i should do?

why do you think about the things u shouldn't think?

why did me grammar sucked?(ahaha..sounds disgusting)

there's a lot of negative aura roaming around here. 7 people i know died this year, and it's only february. the father of my friend died on a ship, then the mother of another friend had a stroke, then my supposed to be goddaughter died even before she lived. my roomate's mom hanged herself last week, then, julius, a friend, killed himself last friday night.did i forget anyone?
i may say i am suicidal, but i'm too coward to really do it. it's probably the most selfish thing to do, the most cowardly too.

julius, i don't think i can see you. i don't wanna go, and see your family and friends, grieve over some coward who don't even know the definition of life. you are a friend, and i'll always remember you. you chose that path, so why should we grieve? it's your choice, so why should we cry? u want to go, so why should we stop you? i just feel bad that i didn't talk to you the last time i had the chance. you were talking to somebody so i decided to leave you alone.
i wouldn't still say hi even if i know you'll say goodbye.

by the way, one more death, and i'm gonna have a breakdown. trust me.

kill. me. fast.

2005-02-26T00:01:00.000-08:00

i now have a constant ulcer that comes with a head-blowing headache. thanks to my stupendous idea of doing a gender analysis for my thesis.

if i am going to pass my thesis and graduate, i promise to do my very best about the following:

* never procrastinate 24/7, but only during holidays.
* never judge foreigners who thinks that the Philippines is a one stop bride-order country.
* never question God during Sundays.
* never think that missionarries are gay.
* never question the I.Q. of my professors.
* never watch porn movies again.
* never solicit sex scandals via bluetooth compatible cellphones.
* never poison my evil boardmate.
* never steal my sister's prepaid load.
* never solicit money from my half-sisters to buy merienda.
* never think of XXX thoughts during classes.
* never chat during training hours.
* never think that my neighbors are rapists.
* never think about dying
* never think about killing all the boy bands.
* never go out of town without the permission of my mom.
* never think that every man is gay.
* never to think taht a cup of coffee is equivalent to a complete meal.
* never to eat seafood pasta for the rest of my life.
* never to court any guy.
* never to squirm when people say the L-word.
* never put my novels over my thesis.
* never think that Filipino movies are just a waste of money.

and lastly,

* never to dream of things way ouf my league.

darn! my head aches.

when things don't go your way

2005-02-23T23:39:00.000-08:00

let me go
let me go

my chest hurts evrytime i see you

i am fighting for you
people are leaving me behind
people are hurting so bad
and you don't even know it.

i will fail. my editor criticized my work without even seeing it. she said it's too ambitious on my part. i have to change it. i just don't know how.

wallowed with gallons of mashed potato last night with a friend.

i am hurting
i am starving
pull me out
waiting for you
to pull me out

when things don't go your way,
grab someone and give him a hug.
a very tight hug.

i just want all of this to end
i am so tired

talking in riddles again.
forgive me

zip it

2005-02-19T05:50:00.000-08:00

so, it's saturday night, i didn't go home to the province so i decided to hop online and try to check things out. i never like secrets, but i like to know them. i've been keeping a secret for a couple of days, and i used to be good at it but i guess i am losing my touch.
i don't want the feeling that i know that something BAD is going to happen. i want to warn the person, but i can't. aside from this being a secret, most importantly, this is not my business, it just happened that i know the business.
i don't want to be caught unaware, but i can't say that i am enjoying this.
i am not in on the verge of spitting it out, although i told it to Ros, just to ask if i should warn the other party or not, he said that MAYBE he's gonna spit it out, and i am a little afraid of that because i know he's not good in keeping secrets. but this is different, so i am BEGGING you Ros. ZIP IT!
i guess, i just have to watch ,my steps, because i am certain that the other party will not appreciate the fact that i know something is going on and i didn't tell him anything.
i wish i know nothing. but then again, i don't wanna be clueless.
someone may spend the graduation party alone. sigh*

under a wrong system

2005-02-15T19:23:00.000-08:00

being friendly to someone you want to treat you more than a friend never works.

being too friendly at the start will place to his/her 'friends' folder, if you get lucky, you'll be promoted to the 'more than friends' folder, but let's be honest to ourselves, that doesn't happen much.

being on the gray area is not fun at all, try to know where you stand. that way, future rejections, mixed signals, and false interpetations can be avoided.

when bubbles merge

2005-02-15T18:59:00.000-08:00

last night was fun, but tiring. i washed a mountain of dishes even though we had paper plates, glasses,spoons and forks...sigh*

my friends and i bought a cake for paul, i ate a bite. all in all, i ate only a bite of everything, not because i'm on a diet, but because there's just enough and we have other visitors. a bite of spagetti because i have to give it away, a stolen chicken wing from the plate of a classmate, a sip of san.mig from the guys, 3 spoons of geof's salad, a cup of rice/menudo, unlucikly, i didn't see the ice cream that i bought, later discovered that tehy all devoured it in less than 5mins..

most of my classmates were there, lovers, secret lovers, pretending lovers, the rejects, the apper plates, the plants, and even the korean delegates.

we had san.mig light and later, chivas regal. i don't know where they got that, but it's there.

when bubbles merge, a tiny wall of water still separates them.

despite that tiny wall of water that separated us, it was fun, and i'm glad that everyone had a blast.

i miss my friends

2005-02-13T20:30:00.000-08:00

i now know the reason for my depression, i am experiencing separation anxiety, that can be simply put as problems with letting go.
i went home last friday because my tooth was killing me, badly needed some tlc from my mom. embarrassing but true.
later taht night, we went to the wake of an old lady, her son is one of our friends. we stayed there and brought some chips, eat some sopas and eat. i rarely eat at wakes but, we were far from the casket and stayed at an isolated table at the corner.
the following night, we cleaned the church then visited our new baby! she's so small, her name is Faith Cheska. i will understand if she'll have some problems in spelling. her twin was buried immediately after being blessed.
we decided to hit the 'perya' and play some Bingo after that. we ride on the catterpillar. i don't know if i'm just growing old but that hurts a lot! it used to be fun, but we were all dizzy after the ride. i won a mug/vase( i still don't know what it is) and a couple of times in bingo. of course i lost half of it in the color game because i don't have any talent in gambling.
we brought some popcorns and footlong (yummy!) because we are just going to walk back home. half way there, we hitched on a jeepney but still have to walf a few blocks, thank god some friends decided to escort us back home, it took two car trips, to get us all back.,eheheh.that was fun!
we decided to stay at the wake and play some cards, nobody is really crying so it ended like a little reunion rather than a wake. i saw my childhood friend, Jorge, wahh!! he's wearing glasses, we used to be an item, and seeing him that night was awesome! he lost in our card games because he let me cheats! he's so kind. heheh
we had so much fun that we didn't notice the time, next thing we know there's the 'pot-pot boys' (boys selling pandesal) so we decided to reheat the sopas and eat pandesal. i know it's weird to eat breakfast at a wake, but it was fun.
we said goodbye at 5am. i already miss them!!

oh, thanks for the call chris! jologs ka talaga.ehehehe.peace out

soul searching

2005-02-13T20:06:00.000-08:00

i have this feeling that the city is not really for me. i know i get restless when i am in the province, but going home this weekend made me realize how i love it there. i am thinking that maybe the reason why i always go home every weekend is not because i need to get my allowance, but because i needed a break, and i know, i can always go home, shut off my system and just relax.

i've been noticing some freshmen students, you can easily notice them because they are always in groups, and they look happy. i guess, that is the reason why people always made fun of them. they are so innocent and happy. my theory is that, people hated freshmen so bad because they are everything they used to be. i still don't have evidences to support this theory.

i remembered my freshmen days, me and my 12 friends(all 4 sexes)always have lunch at a cheap carenderia, it's not airconditioned but i can never recall any bad memories about that place. i run into it 2 days ago and they changed it. gone was the place where i witness friendships grow and romances bloom.

i miss how we laughed so loud over stupid stuff that people look at us thinking how unethical we are. we kiss each other not because of social responsibility but because we just like to kiss each other. we used to sing so loud with our terrible voice and no one seemed to mind. we used to dress whatever we want and no one will say anything about how unfashionable we are.

i don't laugh anymore. somewhere between 2002-2004, i turned to be what i am today. i don't used to be bitter, i don't have anything to be depressed about before. i used to love life, i used to enjoy living.

i wonder what happened that turned me to what i am today.

the day i love to hate

2005-02-13T19:53:00.000-08:00

so, it's valentines day...(i must repeat myself) so?

i am still undecided if i sould be grateful for valentines. it's not because i'm dateless(which is not so new) but because i don't get it why people have to wait for this day to express their love and devotion to their partner. i don't see the difference of this day to the other 360-something days of the year.
i just got here from bulacan, my mom asked me why i'm wearing black when it's valentines. i wear red during all saint's day and i see no difference.
kevin (a friend who is a missionary) posted some advice for valentines, looks like a homily to me, but actually, it is funny, i just hope that people will listen..if not, then there will be some new set of scorpios'(you do the math)

thanx rye!!!

2005-02-13T19:36:00.000-08:00

awwww...i have a new blog....sniff**

of course i would like to thank rye, or should i just be thankful that you are insomiac and have nothing in life (just like me), that you are so bored you decided to modify my blog than to commit suicide. ehehehe.. thanks pare!!!! owe you a lot!!!!!!!

is this not the cutest blog?! sniff* sniff*

i'm hurting really bad!

2005-02-10T21:33:00.001-08:00

the job fair yesterday was boring, the speakers were not motivating even a bit. we didn't pass any resume...

some people have no sense of professionalism. they don't come on time and fickle-minded.. worst is, they are doing it at my expense! i'm embarrassed at our photographer..thank god they are friendly and kind. i explain things to them and they said, they understand so..

we had a blast at the photo shoot..or paul had a blast,bwahaha..i can never be a model.. sigh*

the phantom was great. too bad andre is not available at that time.

why do i have this feeling that God is not very fond of me? i am no pretty face, i have no talent, i cant dance, i can't sing, God! i wish i can sing... i can't even be a model.. sigh*

i woke up and discovered that i'm teething..hate my wisdom tooth..my face is twice it's normal size.. and i can't eat.

so, it's v-day, my face is swelling..how will i land a date by this?! grrrrr

remember the young couple friends who got married last year and expecting twins? i heard one of them died... ninang sana ako e.. going home this weekend to go to 2 wakes, the old lady in our place also died...what's with the world?

all i ask of you

2005-02-10T20:53:00.000-08:00

No more talk of darkness
Forget these wide-eyed fears
I’m here, nothing can harm you
My words will warm and calm you

Let me be your freedom
Let daylight dry your tears
I’m here, with you, beside you
To guard you and to guide you

Say you love me every waking moment
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you need me with you now and always
Promise me that all you say is true
That's all I ask of you

Let me be your shelter
Let me be your light
You’re safe, no one will find you
Your fears are far behind you

All I want is freedom
A world with no more night
And you, always beside me
To hold me and to hide me

Then say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime
Let me lead you from your solitude
Say you need me with you here, beside you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
love me, that's all I ask of you

Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime
Say the word and I will follow you

Share each day with me, each night, each morning
Say you love me
You know I do
Love me, that's all I ask of you
Anywhere you go, let me go too
Love me, that's all I ask of you

these days

2005-02-08T22:52:00.000-08:00

just finished 'unberable lightness of being', woah, that was tiring, but fun. i just got a little lost at the end. yah, that's me, never find where i suppose to go.

'amzing race 6' ended this morning, andre lost to a bet that costs him a thousand bucks coz he thought hellboy will win. i thought the second placer will win..haaaaayyy, they suffered a lot in china. a guy proposed when they quit, didn't get what's that about.

there in my room was the biggest, largest, huge(est),blackest, most disgusting rat in the world, we all decided it's time to take action since it ruined my roomates school sgoes, my sister's office shoes, my other roomate's soap, stole our foods, AND i crossed on MY bed last night, and i just changed the covers!!! i will kill it. i had enough. god forgive us.

i'm reading 14love stories on Valentines, gonna read my novels, since i'm not going out. i'll probably live somehere remote someday, the city is not really for me. maybe i'll try baguio.

i have like 4 pimples on my face and we are going to take our graduation picture tomorrow. could be really funny if it's not happening to me.

love duets

2005-02-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

What kind of fool am I, who never fell in love?

It seems that I'm the only one that I have been thinking of!

What kind of man is this, an empty shell?

A lonely cell in which an empty heart must dwell!

What kind of lips are these, that lied with every kiss?

That whispered empty words of love that left me alone like this?

Why can't I fall in love like any other man?

And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am!

Why can't I fall in love like any other man?

And maybe then I'll know what kind of fool I am!

the musical yeaterday was fun. Min was snoring a couple of seats away, cha and totit are holding hands, marco was flirting with marc, mirae was texting (even though it's prohibited), half of my classmates are dying of boredom while paul, larae and i are having a good time. i like the auditorium, i love plays, and musicals, but opera? woah, okay, sure, why not? a male tenor, who looks very familiar, and a female soprano, who i swear missed a couple of notes, had a valentine concert yesterday in school.

i must admit, classic operas give me the shivers. and i don't understand a thing they're singing. it's so scary but the langauge and the emotions is amazing!

i'm not really crazy about broadways, i'll never watch 'cats' EVER again, but some have really good songs. 'phantom of the opera' has a great soundtrack, and that excerpt above was from 'West side story', (they distributed some brocheures, so i know). waaaahhh, pretty sad songs...

Filipino opera songs are pretty funny, and half of them are courtship songs.

tomorrow, paul, andre and i will go out to see the 'phantom of the opera' then talk over dinner. of course that's sfter teh job fair in school (cororate attire remember) AND the pictorial for teh grad.pic. i hope i won't look like some freak.

2005-02-01T23:41:00.000-08:00

just as they said, my koreanovela days are over. babay min! be happy always.

=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=

i need to pass a lot of papers. my thesis, two teaching demos, my novel analysis.

waaaahhhh..i'm tired.

=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=

i have the 'illuyonada sydrome' . details later.

=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=

don't have time to go online. sorry po!

=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=

i'm tired. i just want to graduate and be in a different place with different people. i'm sooo tired of this place.

=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=

God is playing a big joke on me. days before the pictorial of our graduation pictures, my pimples comes out all at the same time.READ:it's not funny at all.

the notebook

2005-02-01T23:10:00.000-08:00

just when you thought that you are in control,

something will pop out to burst your bubble,

just when you thought you are doing fine,

someone will make your life miserable,

as if you are not suffering enough.

*sigh*

last week was weird. i became friends again with someone from the past. i thought i'll be fine with it since it's been a long time and nothing really happened. that's our problem, we didn't really know what happened. one day everything is okay, then the next, we just ignored each other.
i'm really glad that you can smile again. i didn't realize how that brighten up my day back then. i'm glad to see that childish part of you that irritates me back in the days. i'm glad that you are happy.. too bad, i'm not part of it.
i didn't know how much i miss those small notes that we use to write at each other in the middle of a boring discussion. you changed a lot..she changed you a lot. and i envy her.
i bet, she's everything i am not.

=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8

having the power over one's fate is the most difficult decision to make. it's weird when someone asks you what they should do, and being aware that everything is in your hand.

i feel priviledged when you ask if you should go on or not. i did the most noble thing to date, (and the thing that i usually do these past months) i let you go. i said, go on and have fun. it's that makes you happy, then do it.

i had the power. i could have say, don't, but, i didn't. i could have said no, and you will obey me. but i chose to be fair. it doesn't feel right, but i guess that's a sign that i'm doing the right thing. doing good sucks, because it's right.

so i thought, i had my closure before, now, it's time to step away from the door. the first step is the hardest. knowing you can never return, knowing that i will not find you there.

i let you go. i don't want to know what's happening between the two of you. i'm glad that youre happy, and it sucks that im not part of it. i don't want to know anything about her. i'm just not ready yet. and i'm sorry if i'm not as friendly as before, i can't look at you and not think of her. i can't smile at you. i can't seat with you. i can't chat with you as if nothing happened. i'm just not ready yet. i'm sorry.

it seems like the only thing i do these days is watch all of the men in my life walk out. right now, i feel like throwing up. let me lick my wounds, and i'll be able to go back to normal next week..

=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8=8

it sucks when you know someone is happy and you're not a part of it.

S.M.I.L.E. maui S.M.I.L.E.

2005-01-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i sit at home and wonder how it be if he had loved me truly loved me
yes, i learned awhile ago that kind of thing it never happens for me,
and so i go around and just pretend love Is not for me

i play the circus clown around my friends make them laugh
and they wont see that, yoU never let them see u sweat
dont want them to think the pain runs deep, Lord know its killing me

So i put on my make up put a smile on my face
and if anyone ask me everything is ok
im Laughing cuz no one knows the joke is on me
cuz im dyin inside with my pride and a smile on my Face...
on my face singing, la la la, la la,

Its not easy (thing to do) sometimes its hard to (face the truth)
its not the life that i Would choose
but what else can i do if he dont love me
no if he dont want me
im not about to Sit around let myself go

i am responsible. (at least for an hour)

2005-01-27T02:18:00.000-08:00

most of the time, if i remembered correctly, i'd been part of the small time organizations. most of the time a get a small part in the classroom officers (it's either secretary,coz i can write on the board, treasurer,coz i don't think that people should kill for money or Sgt. at arms, mainly to insult me) that was back in the days where all your classmates are your friends, except for a one or two. ever since i (shucks, memory gap, i'm looking for a word..please stand by.. what's the S word for that?) oh well, since i trasfered from Lit to English, i've been the Logistics Comitee Leader. now, lower those brows of your, it's not a big deal. it doesn't require much brain but only a good smile. the president (usually happened to be a friend) appointed that. there's really nothing to do but attend seminars and stuff. last year, they asked me to do the bulletin board. i mean, are you serious? i failed in my art class in highshool. i don't have much imagination when it comes to that. but i finished the job, on the last minute. i'm not really impressed with it, thanks to my friends.
this year however, i think i should prove to them that they can trust me (beautiful eyes). i can be responsible even if i don't ask for respondibilities, i am responsible (waahhh..what?)
well, Ann, our president, asked me if i can take care of the graduation pictures. i said Okay and i got the calling card. evrything is up to me.
so today i took care of that (even if my appointment was last night but since i had a little episode with the satirs and my shoes, i failed to come). i guess, i did fairly well on the business talk. i asked lots of questions about the packages that i think i confused the manager a bit. but she gave me sample pictures(taht should be returned tomorrow) so i guess, she trusted me. :)
so i may be making a big deal over this but i have to start being responsible somewhere on the line.

NOTE:
meet and discuss the grad.pic to the class.
return the samples and ask for the schedule.
SouthBoarder in the quadrangle.
Walking is just putting your left foot forward followed by the right foot. repeat until you reach your destination.

I think i wo't pass the 3-level interview for the call center. sigh* gotta look for other options.

my worst day in school

2005-01-27T01:46:00.000-08:00

everything is the same as usual. i am in training from 9-6. i took weird pictures while American History was being discussed. i chatted with 'pay during the training. and i have a business meeting (wahihi) after the class.
i was walking down the stairs, with Ichi and his waffles with her sidekick(that's the connection) while texting paul when i saw an old classmate and of course did the traditional 'beso beso' thingy (yes, i was doing three things at the same time, walking, texting and kissing) THEN i felt that i was falling. so i did the first thing that came to my mind. I SCREAMED.
luckily, i just skipped a step. and if you're always with me, that's not a big deal. my theory is that my right foot and my left foot are not really fond of each other. they are always fighting. the end result? i always tripped over something. sometimes a stone, humps, STAIRS and sometimes i just tripped on my own.
so i'm used to slipping and tripping over stuff but this tops it all. i always embarass myself without much help from others so it's not about being humiliated. it's just that the heel of my right shoe almost came off. MENTOS!!!
so we stood at the stairs of the second floor shocked and laughing.i thought a bubble gum will do the trick (just like in the commercial) but thank God to my friends. if Ichi didn't buy me a super glue (i still owe him some money for that)and if they left me alone, i think i would have died. (okay, i'm exaggerating)
this is worst than a surprise quiz after a night out or the ALMOST failed grade i got from Algebra or the mysterious disappearance of my formal clothes hours before my debate competition. i still can't believe i was skipping like a handicapped from my building to the park, to the gate and to the jeepney station at the next block. waaaaaaaaahhhhhh...
there is something wrong in this picture. first, my closest friends are not with me on the time i need them (they don't have a class that day and that's usually the case) and Seniors don't expirience such embarassing incident such as this! this was supposed to happen four years ago, on my freshman year when it's legal for freshmen to look stupid.
i looked like an idiot. seniors don't look like idiots, they make freshmen feel like idiots. maybe Paul was right when he said that the juniors looks like more of a senior than us. damn.

2005-01-25T22:19:00.000-08:00

love is all i need to help me know my name.
-SEAL.

2005-01-25T22:06:00.000-08:00

Music are bookmarks to the pages of our past

-johnDoe-

i am an ESFP

2005-01-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

personality assessment: http://humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceiving

"Where's the party?" ESFPs love people, excitement, telling stories and having fun. The spontaneous, impulsive nature of this type is almost always entertaining. And ESFPs love to entertain -- on stage, at work, and/or at home. Social gatherings are an energy boost to these "people" people.
SPs sometimes think and talk in more of a spider-web approach. Several ESFP jump from thought to thought in mid-sentence, touching here or there in a manner that's almost incoherent to the listener, but will eventually cover the waterfront by skipping on impulse from one piece of information to another. (True..True..Very True)
New! ESFPs are attracted to new ideas, new fashions, new gadgets, new ______. Perhaps it's the newness of life that attracts ESFPs to elementary education, especially to preschool and kindergarten.
ESFPs love to talk to people about people. Some of the most colorful storytellers are ESFPs. Their down-to-earth, often homespun wit reflects a mischievous benevolence.
Almost every ESFP loves to talk. Some can be identified by the twenty minute conversation required to ask or answer a simple factual question.

a vey looonggg weekend

2005-01-24T20:41:00.000-08:00

The Bingo was amazing! i won 3 times and still went home empty-handed. i can never live in Las Vegas..
the good thing about a small town is that even if new people are coming along, there are still some who grew up with you and of course, the endless list of cousins. thanks for the truck ride... hahaha, that was fun..felt like a roller coaster ride to us.. :)

crash and burn

my friends and i were just hanging out at one in the morning when suddenly we heard a crash..
tsk tsk tsk.. two drunk men almostt died. waaahh..i can still see the blood.. ewwwwwwwww..

my friend's dad died.. heart attack.

treated my sister and i for a hair spa.. nothing really changed.. haaayy

nice meeting you lek!!!

2005-01-21T02:06:00.000-08:00

possible

lose

something

you

don't

even

have?

no wonder i don't know much

2005-01-21T01:50:00.000-08:00

i go to school thrice a week. wednesdays is for my training (which i'm sure will not accept me) and tuesdays&fridays for my last 12 units (4subjects) as a student. well, it's a general accepted fact that there's really nothing much on school (ideally, there's much but what do you expect?)
so today, my sister woke me up hours before my class and prepared breakfast for me (coffee and pandesal is the usual) so, being the obedient little sister, i sat and ate my breakfast while still half asleep. THEN, i have to take the coldest shower this year because i don't want to be late in the class. only to find out that some farmers are rallying near Malacanang and the traffic is not moving even a bit.
Diwa and I were late as usual. Still, we sat and listen to the teaching demo of Tin2x who is wearing this see-through black lace corset under a big white long sleeves. i know what she's trying to do but it's not working since she's sooo thin and i swear! half of her breasts are showing.. i dunno about that..
AJA ICHI!!! nice demo..wooohh..scary though. and i was soo scared when i asked a question even if he's a friend and it's just a demo. still, scary...
we had a 4 and 1/2 hour break (no prof in 2nd class, lunch,and independent study in research) but we still have a class at 4:30 so we decided to see a movie.
meet the fockers.
funny.. hlarious.. it was fun!
i miss TOkyoTokyo or rather the red iced tea so we decided to eat there. hmm!!! Tsarraaaapppzz!!!

series of unanticipated event

2005-01-21T01:45:00.000-08:00

i was walking down the street (waaahh..dubadi..bidibidam..dibidu.) then i thought i saw you.

i was riding a jeepney, and Shaina Twain was singing and then i remembered you.

i was on my way home then i thought how it is to walk with you.

i was watching a commercial then i missed you.

i was sitting late at night and then i remembered you.

i was going to sleep and i thought about you waking up.

i was talking to someone on the phone and i had to ask again who it is because thought it was you.

we were talking about a steak restaurant that they want me to try and i thought if will you like it.

i saw a big poster of "hitched" and i wondered how good it is.

i was looking at a watch and i subtracted the time to 13hrs.

you are everywhere but here.

now i'm scared.

i think i'm going down with something

DOCTOR PLEASE!!!

me and my big mouth

2005-01-21T01:18:00.000-08:00

i dunno what's with my mouth. i usually talk. i love talking. it's fun even if most people (including me) don't understand what i'm saying.. no wonder it always get me in trouble. sigh*

since we decided to see a movie, i invited people to watch with us. so trying not to be rude, i invited our classmates. problem is, those that i want to say yes, said no, and those who i don't want to say yes, said yes.

of course i want my friends to go with us because they will get hurt if we leave them behind, so i searched for Ichi and Lay. bad idea. i was caught in the middle of a warzone. where's the sign? __WARNING!!!!!__ oh there! too late to back out....so i acted as if i noticed nothing and asked if they wanna go with us, and was answered by, "Maui, define cheating." woah... why didn't i sneak out when i had the chance? i answered (stuttered a couple of times) and made a mistake of asking "why?" okay,it's time to run as far as i can.
i like my classmates,well, most of them, and i am not evil because we forgot about those who said yes. sorry!!!!

i like asking questions, i like it soo much that i just love asking them even if they don't require an answer and i like sharing what i think. big trouble i know. some of my classmates were discussing about "our Lady's Juggler" it's a modern parable and the reporter asked "what's a miracle?" and so someone said, that it happens to the good people. so i raised my hands and said,i don't think so. and i exlained that not because you attend the mass every week doesn't mean you're good and you're worthy of a miracle. that sometimes you just have to be bad in order to be good. i know it's weird but that's the way i see things.

too bad i forgot about my korean classmates and they are those goodly-do people and one of them is a preacher. waaaaahhh!!!!!! that's just an opinion don't bombard me with scriptures!

2005-01-18T23:45:00.000-08:00

Now that I've found my way back home, where I belong.

No longer a slave running away in circles

because I've been found by this gentleman, who flew me high.

2005-01-18T23:08:00.000-08:00

Because i have learned

that love is a word gets thrown a little bit too much.

the best excuse to fill the infinite abyss

i have never have to if all else fail

If all else fail,

would you be brave to see rightthrough me?

(KitchieNadal)

i.don't.meddle.

2005-01-18T01:54:00.000-08:00

i don't meddle in your relationship.

why do i care?!

i mean you are both my friends, but heck! that's your business not mine.

and

maybe you are saying that to the wrong person.

why am i still single

2005-01-18T01:23:00.000-08:00

it's because.

i'm legally allowed to enter a relationship (a dare as usual, where i can't have a boyfriend as long as andre doesn't have one) since andre already have a boyfriend (yehey!) so he won't be left behind. now, i'm the one being left behind. i am the oddball.

paul asked me earlier why am i still single when i know lots of cute straight guys (almost classified as extinct) and i stopped and wondered.. oo nga, bakit nga ba? well...bakit hindi?

it all came down to me during the xmas break, or maybe a long time ago, and i just don't want to accept it. i complain of being single because that's what single people are supposed to do right? just like couples complaining about freedom and space.

light bulb!

i am single because i care. i am not insensitive rather i learned to be sensitive. i learned how to be honest, and to play fair.

yes, i am incapable of loving. for now. it's because i don't know what it is. it's because i refuse to gamble with it on stake. that's a dare i may never take. i am not as strong as you think. and not as shallow as i seem.

right now, i am happy. not giddy happy but i am okay. i stopped complaining not because i gave up but because i am contented. of course there are moments, but, i guess, it's all part of the process.

a process that i have to undergo without knowing what will be the outcome.

i may end up taking care of all my friends children , i may end up like some bitter spinster who sits on a rocking chair wearing thick clothes on a summer afternoon because i feel so cold inside. i may regret all the boys (refused to be called men) pass my life. i may end up getting married.i may have twins. i may end up a single mom ..and i may die before i reach 25.

there may be some guy out there for me. there may be none.

we will never know.

what's important is that i am changed.

i don't want to say 'yes' because it's easier than saying "no".

i have to be alone to appreciate company.

i have to know pain, to recognize hapiness.

i may not have my happily ever after story, but i am happy, and this is not the ending.

this is bliss.

look at my face when i'm talking to you

2005-01-18T01:15:00.000-08:00

i mean, what's with you?!
it's not big or anything.
grrrrrr....

oh well, i saw ford today, and isn't it weird how we notice things that we never noticed before. he used to be my crush. used to be take note. he's a reincarnation of bob marley..waaaahhh..sucker. so, i was walking when someone called my name, "mao!" and guess who, yes, bob marley noticed me. pretty weird.

it's funny how we built this image in our heads and see something else when we see them in reality. it's like a curtain being lifted... or it's like changing our light bulbs from yellow to white. everything looks brighter.

well, while our professor was leacturing us, my gaze stopped on Min. and i realized, what did i ever saw in that guy? aside from his bad accent and his hairless supper sexy chest?pretty feel stupid thinking of the things i did for him or mostly to myself. he called me "maricar". he never calls me that, he never calls me anything, so i guess, we're back on square one.

AND may i tell you that there's nothing wrong with my face. it's red coz i'm wearing blush-on.. this is what i got from trying to look better .by the way, it's peach...sigh*

i am what i am

2005-01-18T01:03:00.000-08:00

if fatalist believes in fatalism;

then what do you call someone who believes in relativism?

relativist?

relativism is the philosophy that believes that the truth is relative. what may be true to me may not be true to you. we perceive things as we want them to be perceived.

oh well, that's basically it. i really don't want to be called a fatalist, although i'm guilty of that things about fate and destiny and stuff, but i wanna be a relativist, if there's such a thing.

it's as simple as ,this is my bubble, and stay away from it.

it's all about respect and minding our own business. thanks to luigi pirandello's the cat, a goldfinch and the stars. waaahh..i may have over-read the story but i really like it.

i may have over reacted on some stuff but heck! that's relativism, that's how i see things.

and i think we're not that bad in our report. so we didn't answer some questions, well, ichi's questions, but who does? i know a number of teachers who can't.

i have a new found respect to our lit. prof who gave us a lower grade two years ago when he discovered that we are switching from literature to english. he may always mispronounce his words but so are we.

paul and cha had their teaching demo this morning. i'm wondering what will happen to me. and if i really have to shave my legs and stuff...

AJA ANDRE!!! yehey!! di na sya single..wait.. hmmm.. ako na lang pala..sigh* but it's okay,, believe me.

paul asked me why i'm still single even if i know lots of cute straight guys. hmm..bakit nga ba? baka nman ayaw nila sa kin. bwahahah...

to be honest, they are really not my type. they are my friends. and friends are off limits.

too bad for me eh?

2005-01-16T23:47:00.000-08:00

today, i look like sh** (translation: worse than usual which is not really a pretty sight.) ehhehe
hate PMS, making me soo emotional... find evrything sweet... and waaaahh.... cramps

i'm wondering what my sister will think if she discovered that i washed all her dirty laundry and mine too..
woke up with all these energy bursting out in me .. by the last batch of clothes that i need to wash, my fingers are soo numb. can't hold anything.. waaaaaahhh.... so tired.. so tired..

sorry if i dragged you out of bed, di ko nman lam e.. ahuhuhuhuhu

remind me not to be too friendly to losers and weirdos, i know i have a soft spot when it comes to them but things are really going out of hand. it's either they think i'm a hooker or i'm the girl for them.. sigh*

a 20-something teacher from bulacan asked me if i can find him a date for the prom (pretty suspicious)..awwww... now i don't know how to tell him that most of the girls i know are not good for him.. hhaaaayy

and then Marco continues to tell me that, (i'm quoting)
"Maui Singlehood, ten years from now at single ka pa rin, twagan mo ko, ihahanap kita."

what the..?!?

cramps!!
sigh*

bus ride..the filipino way.

2005-01-16T04:21:00.000-08:00

if you want to save time travelling then get yourself in the "bus"..a.k.a. byaheng langit / killer bus.

it saves time and it's cheaper. you just need to have a good heart in you to survive.

it's not airconditioned so, it's pretty windy,almost like roller-coaster windy especially in the expressway, and these drivers don't care on any traffic rules and speed limits. hang on!!
the bus ride today is very interesting, some native guy (who looks very suspicious)offered his seat to my sister since the bus was full. why is it that no one offers their seat anymore..whatever happened to that?
the child who was seating at the seat behind me continous to ask his grandma all these questions..pretty funny.
i think i know the guy seating in front of me but i can't remember.
or maybe i just can't think since a group of hookers are laughing at the back..
or maybe since i was worried about the taiwanese guy who was seating beside my sister coz i think he's lost.
or maybe because i'm still worried that someone will snatch my bag.
but as expected, we saved an hour compared to the regular airconditioned bus..
i forgot to eat my sandwich...

where is it by the way?

how's my weekend? hmm.let's see..

2005-01-16T03:12:00.000-08:00

i spent half of my weekend sleeping and the other half traveling.

it's the time of the month as i later discovered, that explains why i'm being soo emotional over the weather and the music. we were supposed to go out friday night but paul fell asleep so we just went to his place and had some beer and stuff.. it's pretty windy and do you know what the wind do to people walking on a deserted street in the middle of the night? i dnt have any idea.
saturday morning was hell. i can't drag myself off my bed but eventually i have to, if i want to receive my allowance, so off to bulacan!
i went to bed at 4pm Saturday and only let them know of my presence at 11 am Sunday.

my brother and i cooked BBQ, i think i almost burned my knuckles...
my mother and brother had some discusison during lunch which almost spoiled my BBQ and pancit day..haaay...can't there be any silence in this house? brrrrrrr...

and then, out of nowhere, my phone rings..
tsk tsk tsk..caught me off guard eh? well, i don't count the minutes okay? i just remembered some stuff since it's in the menu..wait,why am i explaining myself anyway?! ehehehehe thank you po!

2005-01-13T19:44:00.000-08:00

80's lovesongs together with an 'unfaithful'-like weather makes me wish it's legal to wear heavy coats in the tropics.